I'm Not The Parent I Thought I'd Be, and I've Grown Comfortable with That

What kind of parent lets their child play with dirty, dangerous keys?

I thought I was finished buying or borrowing books related to early parenthood, but I found a title I couldn't resist... A book called I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. I haven't read it yet, but I feel like I could write this book myself, though perhaps not as well as Ms. Ashworth and Ms. Nobile.

It's funny how your expectations and standards change as you envision yourself before you have the baby, and then as you try to live up to your own expectations after you have one. Frankly, I've gone from standing with mouth agape in horror while watching some families go about their daily lives, thinking, "I would never do that! Who does that?" to thinking, "Yup, that's pretty much how it goes down when it happens to us, only that parent makes it look better than me!" Here is an example.

I was waiting to check out some books at the library a few weeks ago when I paused to watch a mother with her two young children as they checked out their books. The older boy was about three, certainly showing a typical three-year-old energy level. The younger boy was probably about a year old, squirming in a stroller. I marveled at how anyone gets anything done as a parent multi-tasker, while this mother 1) talked to the librarian, 2) handed over books and a library card, 3) responded to her eldest child, 4) redirected her eldest child, 5) handed things to her youngest child, pretty much simultaneously. It really made me wonder if someone like me could handle anything beyond one child.

There was a woman, late sixties or early seventies, standing in front of me, watching the whole scene like I was. She seemed pleasantly absorbed in her thoughts, with a little smile on her face. She turned to me, still smiling, and said, "That woman just handed her car keys to that little boy, and now he is sucking on them. They must be so dirty! Can you believe that?"

I remember when I would have had the same thought. I even started to think it a little myself. Then, the Real Mom in me got defensive.

I'm an agreeable person who generally doesn't like to rock the boat. My normal course of action typically would be to nod and smile, even if I disagreed. But as a parent, I have noticed and grown tired of this sort of judgment. Like when I went to an outdoor concert in blazing heat, and after coating my baby in sunscreen only minutes before, a woman nearby pointed out that my son's legs and feet were in the sun. She looked at me skeptically when I assured her that he had on plenty of sunscreen. She continued to offer her blanket to cover him up. Another example: My friend told me about a time when a woman in front of her at the pharmacy turned to her and scolded her for letting her daughter, whom my friend was watching closely, play with a plastic bag.

So on this day, my response to the woman with the offending remarks about the dirty keys was, "Yeah...but he'll have a really great immune system!" She paused, and said, "Hmmm?" I repeated myself, and she changed the subject, saying, "He sure is cute!" I don't know if she got what I was saying, but mentally I chalked one on the board for parents who are sick of feeling the Eyes of Judgment and Stone Throwers (even if these parents used to judge others at one time, too).

Here are some further examples of Fantasy (pre-baby ideal) vs. Reality (how it's playing out these days.

I Once Thought: "I doubt I'll want to go back to work, but I gotta help pay a mortgage."

Now: "I have got to get out of this house and feel productive in a way that doesn't involve changing a diaper or baby talk. I need the world of work to keep me sane!"

I Once Thought: "I want to breastfeed exclusively until my child's first birthday."

Now: Well, if you read my last blog, you know how that turned out! I have a long way to go in terms of convincing myself to breast feed my next child, despite my fully functional mammaries.

I Once Thought: "Oh my goodness, that is one whiny child! Who reinforced this child's behavior? Make him stop!"

Now: Yeah, that's my child who speaks only in Whine. And I still look forward to the day when he has words, but apparently that day has not arrived.

I Once Thought: "Only the top-rated Consumer Reports Everything for my baby!"

Now: There is no Britax car seat, despite tear-jerking YouTube videos about kids in car accidents who didn't have one. My child's high chair is the cheapest one I could find at Wal-Mart after two others didn't suit him. We have all kinds of tension-mounted gates up. And.... my child is still alive! Though, we aim to get that Britax one of these days when someone gives us $250. If that day ever comes!

I Once Thought: "Who are these people who let their cars become littered with crumbs and smeared food everywhere? Who can live like that?"

Now: When rushing from the sitter's to music class, if I want a happy baby, he has to eat some goldfish in the car. So what? It's a small price to pay, even if I find a leftover goldfish every time I put him in the car seat.

I Once Thought: "Yuck! Who lets their kids pick up food off the ground and eat it?!"

Now: Well, I just read dirt is supposed to be good for kids. And, better he eat it than it get ground into the carpet. Plus, there are starving children in Darfur (and that's not funny).

I Once Thought: "Jeez Louise! Does that kid's nose ever stop running? Disgusting!"

Now: I just sent out a Christmas card photo to the world (or so it felt like, when I paid for postage) that had the glisten of a wet nose/upper lip pictured on my son. But I hope people will overlook that and focus instead on his smile, as I tend to do. However, snot is still yucky and must be wiped at once!

I Once Thought: "For the love of Pete, please take that crying baby out of the store/restaurant/public place now!"

Now: "My baby is not crying, he's just expressing himself in the only way he can at this age - a very loud whine with tears! And I'm going to be crying even louder if I don't go ahead and buy this (blank) or eat this food real quick, and then we'll leave, I promise!"

I Once Thought: "Who in our neighborhood keeps setting off their car alarm? I'm trying to take a nap!"

Now: "Oh, crap, that's our car alarm! Someone get the keys from Rowan; he just hit the panic button again!"

I Once Thought: "What could be better than having a child to raise and adore?"

Now: "Man, remember when I could do whatever the heck I pleased and spend my days in blissful, self-absorbed splendor? Now I can only do that during nap time. Remember spontaneous dates with my husband? Remember sleeping in? I miss my pre-baby days."

I think if we all did what we are supposed to do to be the Ideal Mother or Ideal Parent -- the parent you envision yourself to be before you have a child -- we would have to be fictional characters. Like June Cleaver. Or a Stepford Wife. Or Britney Spears. (Ha ha, Gotcha!) In reality, we would be so miserable being perfect that we might even run out for milk one night and never come home. That kind of pressure is overwhelming, because like perfection, it's just beyond our grasp; unattainable. We are human. All we can do is our best in the given moment. So join me, won't you, in giving myself a break from my neuroses and my guilt and even my judgment of others (though we all do it at times) and just try to enjoy it, for what it is.

Please save this child from his parents, who allow him to play with choking and strangulation hazards!