These postpartum pictures of me, even if they illustrate the point, are hard to swallow.
Now that you know the Fourth Trimester was not a pretty picture for me, I thought I'd share how I "made it through the wilderness," to quote Madonna. There is no guarantee that what worked for me works for everyone else, but I felt kind of wrong about explaining the symptoms without giving the antidote.
A friend of mine gave me this wonderful little book written in a way that is easy to digest for new moms: short (one-paragraph, one-page) chapters, to-the-point, and humorous. It is called The Fourth Trimester by Amy Einhorn. One can read this while nursing a baby, which was a necessity for me. If you've had a baby since I have, there's a chance you've received this as a gift from me. If you go through amazon.com or any other online bookstore that sells used copies, you can find it for a penny, plus shipping and handling. Best four bucks you'll spend to realize that other people go through this strange postpartum land much like you do, but for whatever reason, they may not be talking about it.
Once I felt reassured that what was going on inside our house was not a scene from the Twilight Zone, I had to get out of the house. About 7 or 8 p.m., when I was exhausted (as usual) and feeling completely stir-crazy, I asked my husband to come with me for a breather while we strolled Baby R around the 'hood. Freedom! Fresh air! Other people walking by! Time for my husband and I to talk without being overheard by our in-laws! Time to vent about about... everything! Lucky for us, we have one of those children that conks out the second the wheels start to roll. And rumor has it that fresh air makes babies sleep better during the night - Bonus! That little fifteen minute walk made me feel so much better. Henry (my husband) and I still take those walks every night. And I continued taking them whenever I could - in between feedings - those early days. They gave us something to do, something to break up the monotony. Plus, my poor ole post-baby body benefited from the exercise, I'm sure.
Probably the best thing I was able to do was to find support in other new mothers. Thank goodness for Jane, my pregnancy-buddy-turned-new-mom-buddy. We called each other frequently to check in and try to muddle through this new existence together. It was reassuring to know that she was up all night at roughly the same time I was up all night. From deciphering breast pump terminology to comparing baby gear, we were somewhat like Thelma and Louise, on the adventure of our lives (though often not exactly what we had expected as far as "adventure" goes). However, in this case, we tried to keep each other from driving off the cliff.
Jane and I both went to a breastfeeding support group (pretty much a "new moms support group"), which is how I came to realize that she and I weren't just going crazy together; other new moms had zombie swirls for eyes, too! What relief it was to know this! And what was better was getting to meet moms who were slightly more experienced to reassure us, both with their words and their beautifully chubby babies, that things do get better. The first time I went to the support group, I was so tired and feeling so incompetent. I barely knew how to change a diaper. I watched all the other mothers looking so confident and doubted that could ever be me. I went to the support group all three days of the week it was offered. Most people went only once or twice a week, but that group was my lifeline. Also, it got me out of the house and gave me purpose. And, in those first few months, it made the intolerably long days at home go by faster. Another mother with a younger baby who went to the support group told me recently that she remembered how confident and competent I seemed when she was a "new arrival" to the group. This is both amusing and reassuring to hear... and I'm sure the cycle continues.
It took me a while to realize that people weren't kidding when they urge you to "sleep when the baby sleeps." Letting go of my need to do everything around the house was not easy for me, but neither was having no "me time," which is what it came down to, if I got stuff done around the house. Those naps in the early days are all too short! So finally around month two, I adopted a new policy. It was called "Mandatory Nap Time - for ME, too." Every afternoon, when Baby R was showing signs of drowsiness or hadn't slept in a couple hours, I took him upstairs with me, threw back all the covers, pushed away all other pillows, and curled up with him on our bed. (Sorry to those of you who adopt a strict "no co-sleeping" policy. You might want to skip this part.) We both surrendered to Dreamland for however long Baby R would sleep. It was wonderful. These are the sweetest memories I have of the first few months. Not breastfeeding, but cuddled up together, Zzz-ing it away. It didn't matter if Matt Damon (or insert celebrity here) himself wanted to have tea at 3 p.m. or the best sale EVER was going on in the afternoon only! I was having a nap, by God, and it was sacred! I scheduled all the rest of my life around it, and I think I added at least a year to my life for it! Not to mention the benefits for the rest of that day itself.
Take a nap? Great idea! (Don't worry -- I rolled him onto his back after making this photo.)Henry and I had cancelled our cable television service to save money for the baby. It didn't take many days into maternity leave before I realized what an irrational idea this was. Once the Today Show was over, what a wasteland the rest of the day was for someone who doesn't enjoy soap operas. And there was little else I could do while breastfeeding for hours at a time, but sit there and veg out to something on the tube was perfect! So we reinstalled cable TV. This enabled me to structure my day no matter when a feeding occurred:
5:30 a.m. to 7 a.m. - Local news
7 a.m. to 10 a.m. (if necessary) - Today Show
9 a.m. to 10 a.m. - Ellen
10 a.m. to 11 a.m. - TLC's Bringing Home Baby -- which I watched obsessively to see if any of the new moms showed the same signs of depression or baby blues that I was going through
11 a.m. to 12 p.m. - Cable music channel or VH1
12 p.m. to 2 p.m.- news or more music or whatever is on VH1
2 p.m. to 4 p.m. - Nap time, remember?
4 p.m. to 5 p.m. - Oprah!
5:00 - 6:30 p.m. - Local News or Cable Music
6:30 p.m. to 8:00 - nightly news & Hollywood news
8:00 - Prime Time!
You see? Even if we couldn't get out of the house that day, there was something to look forward to or some semblance of a schedule we could follow when I was craving some consistency and familiarity in my postpartum life.
My next tip is... Accept help. If someone or a whole lot of someones want to bring you a meal, let 'em. Better yet, if they offer to clean your house, thank them profusely, and let 'em if they insist. If your well-meaning relatives want to come and help out, and you know they really will, (and you are on good meds anyway and can tolerate about anything) don't say "no." You don't get a medal for doing it all by yourself your whole first year. I had a whole new appreciation for my mom as she cleaned our house from top to bottom and kept checking on me every five seconds to see if I needed anything. I thought it would get old, but it did not. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to live a "maternity leave life" without her there once she had to leave... Figuring out how to get things myself while a baby was latched on to me and managing to do everything one-handed is a daunting challenge.
Set a goal each day, keep it small and simple, and don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen. Examples: Today I am going to play photo studio and dress up Baby R in hopes of capturing the perfect announcement photo.... Or, today for our "get out of the house" time, we are going to Target so I can pick up a prescription for The Pill so that I don't have to go through this again soon.... Or, today I will (drum roll)... unload the dishwasher! (That dishwasher goal almost never happened.) What's really wild is that, little goals like these still exist and are still more challenging than they were pre-baby, but they sometimes get accomplished!
Okay, the days were still eternally long for me most of the time. I was still cranky, moody and sleep deprived, but over time, especially once Baby R was able to sit up, things got progressively better. It's true what they say... "It gets better." Click your heels and say it repeatedly. It makes a great mantra.
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